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Saturday, March 17th, 2007
8:02 pm - poster child of the life you dont want
tangina i am so so so fucking tired of this.

they never understand that THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. you think seeing all the flicks with parents separating or going through rought times, that they try their best to leave as little to the children as possible--- well no, real life doesnt go that way.

if my mum really leaves, what the heck am i going to do. my dad does not give a shit about me. he has never bothered to spend more than 10 minutes talking to me (or  5 minutes even).  unless of course he wants to reprimand me on something, then he seems to take as much time as he needs. when it comes to money i have always trusted my mum to send me or give me cash whenever i needed it. plus my mum likes to know what happens in my life, atleast she bothers to ask. she definitely remembers who my friends are. my dad is strict for no reason because he has no idea what is happening in my life. why pull restraints on someone you hardly know? my dad is an asshole. sure i call guys asses all the time, but i hardly mean it. my dad is a real one.

if my mum really leaves who will frickn manage this house? not to mention lucifera who has no idea how to do anything. wel, shes even totally clueless with the situation at home, simply because for her, the world revolves around herself, period.  taking care of the family is not my job, so tangina, they better not expect me spend my time cleaning the entire house. fuck tlga. wait, taking care of lucifera alone is OUT OF THE QUESTION. that slob of a person is definitely not my responsibility. i am not her mother, so there is no unwritten law saying i should go out of my way to be nice to a person whose only personality falls under the category of bitch.

i am so angry. i feel dejected thinking that if my mum really leaves this place, she will not come back. i mean how can that be possible right? youd think your mother would be the one to stay and keep you safe, but no. the sad thing is i thought i could be cool about it, but im not. i dont think i can do this anymore. i want to just give up talking completely. i am not in the mood anymore to start a conversation. iv never felt comfortable talking about a problem. i have trust issues. my god, this will ruin me forever. i will have the whole trust issue thing from my socio-psychological background. they say im cold hearted. well welcome to my life. unfortunately they will never read this blog and never understand why i rarely show empathy. 

my god. is my mum really leaving. i hope she stays til my graduation. my god why is it now. now when i was forced to march for the sake of my grandmother. why am i never just allowed any thing to just go my way. i did not want to march, but i have to. now my own mum isnt sure if she'l be here for my graduation. mygodcanuimagineanyonehavingtogothroughmylifeiwouldsonotwishitonanybody.

tangina. why the hell does this have to happen to me. i cant even bring myself to talk about this to friends. 

if my mum walks out on me, she will then have to face walking out of my life. i will probably shut down any thing close to a personal life. how the heck can my mum leave me. right now i am only supposed to be worrying about what grad dress to wear, what hairstyle, where to eat. this does not work into the equation.

i am so jaded with life.

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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
12:43 am - unbreakable
harhar. 

mah head is as hard as a coconut.

emotion-less, i moved through the day, at the moment, unable to sleep. there is something missing, and i cant wrap my finger around it. its like theres something that went missing that was essentially a part of me but i just cant figure out what it is. so so so much to do tmrw. 

i dont want to be a fool. 

nooneintheperimetersothetheorycantbetrue.

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Saturday, February 10th, 2007
10:32 pm - the middle

this is the time before my brain has to work. so i gave it a break... with a korean movie fest. =)

ok, i know my brain was conkin out when i started getting really into the movies (plural i might add). usually i stand up in between movies but this time i just sat there and flicked on the next one. amazing. i actually think i might really like these films. come to think of it, i shouldnt even be shocked seeing as how i cant stop watching channels STAR Mandarin whenever i land a TV that has it. I love the easy-to-get movies that sometimes are so unrealistic, they could be real. they are like snack time for the brain. 

after watching four of the flicks, i remembered something mentioned a few days ago. how iv heard about my friends' fantasies, but havent revealed any of mine. after watching the flicks, i got to thinkin about what my fantasy would be...

......


.. i think i need to think some more. 

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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
10:32 pm - all hail the heartbreaker
i will get over it. i will get over it. i will get over it. it will be over. it will be over. it will be over. 

how many times must one write about getting over something to get over it?

I can honestly say, that i have never ever ever felt this way. 
its not like i think about this constantly, but maybe i do. and not let you get the best of me.
is there nothing else that i do well.


i will stop this because i know how it goes. i am the heartbreaker.

i need to stop this because this is beyond comprehension. and this is killing me. i will stop. 
the proposed solution, get out of familiarity. i need to stop this. this doenst affect you, it will stop affecting me.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU ENTER THE WORDS IN MY HEAD.

this is how it will be.
a shame really, things might have worked, but no. this is done.

goodbye. you will never know how i feel because this is the last time. 
i could swear im sleeping less and less.

goodnight. have a great life.

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Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
9:07 pm - augustana has become my life
when all i needed was the truth. lose the argument.

yes. i kept the mask on the whole time. the whole damn time to keep the devastated face beneath all the layers of laughter, all the layers of personal revelations. i hate this life. i hate it. nothing right just happens. you always pay the price for that short-lived moment of happiness. its almost as if i pay the price for the experience. Ive begun to understand the emotion stacie orrico wanted to depict in the song, there's gotta be more to life. THERE JUST HAS TO BE. WHY DOES IT SEEM THERE ISNT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS SHIT. 

pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed

the hardest part about getting your cellphone stolen, all the damn numbers GONE. all the fuckn nos. just gone, discarded by the thieft at some alley, some sidewalk, some canal. its difficult to feel a sense of pity, to rationalize how desperation causes people to do something so shitty. so desperately shitty. i hate it. no, to think i even smiled at people around me that day. WHAT A FOOL I AM. its  not even the phone that really gets me, its the fact that THAT SIM CARD has been part of my life for the past 5 years. 5 years of people, 5 years of contacts, 5 years just discarded by some fool who thinks that stealing justifies the hard life. no, i cant grasp how someone can just do something so horrible to another person.

i do believe if i were faced with some fool who stole another person's phone, i would slap the shit of of him or her. and that wouldnt even cut the grief one goes through losing it. at this point i dont really give a shit about poverty, not everyone is filthy rich, people should just get over the whole act of how poverty justifies crime.

I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF JOKING AROUND. Maybe i wont talk tomorrow, i dont think i can do the whole I-am-not-bothered-at-all front anymore. so much has happened. i just need a day to grieve. in hopes that eventually il get over everything and become the bubbly person who now only appears after shots of tequila or gin.

am so pissed and whats scary is i havent had the time to vent out all the frustration. salon time, shopping time, i couldnt give a hoot less on what i do, i just need to do something to get over this period of my life. no i will not turn to alcohol again. 


its been so long since i last took the time to write. its a shame i find it more sensical to write in times of disappointment, anger, frustration.... the negatives brings out the writer in me. 

to the universe, please just let me beeeeeeeeeeee. what was the point of giving a life to live when all i can do is feel bad about the next tragedy, the next pitfall. i hate it. i am so angry. just so angry. in time i might self-destruct. 

i think il start over, where no one knows my name. im tired of the weather. i think that il retire, i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind. i think i need a sunrise, im tired of the sunset. some snow would be nice. yeah.

current mood: you dont wear my chains

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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
3:59 pm - goodbye

goodbye family.

so my grandfather died. he is really gone. there arent anymore words to be heard or laughs to be had. but love there will always be. so he's up there soaring. i used to just sit with him in the room, he'd be watching TV and i'd be reading or he'd be sitting on the bed reading the newspaper and id be watching tv. it was comforting knowing that my grandfather was just there. Now, he's not.

so my mum left minutes ago (maybe even an hour ago, i havent noticed the time since) with an overnight bag. Shes going to stay over at a friend's empty condo. she said she needed peace and quiet. time to relax. she asked me if i wanted to come, given one, this place had no tv. two it would be overnight, and three i had just gotten home. no, i didnt go. and no, my dad will not make me feel guilty for not accompanying her. guilt? guilt? a few minutes ago my dad left to go birding. so no. i will not feel guilty because it is not my place to feel guilt. i am angry. what is happening. great. great. great. 

maybe next time il just not go home too.



current mood: ive lost emotion

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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
2:27 am - damaged goods
i think i am too damaged to function properly.

the damaged goods u bought but upon much consideration, post-purchase, had no intent on getting. that is me. its sad how i continue to over-think my problems, and end up keeping everything to myself. too tired to utter what bothers due to lack of desire to mention aloud what plagues relentlessly. i complain about a lack of concern, when perhaps, all there was to blame was myself. 

its like looking in the mirror and not being able to remember what you look like once you turn away. i am not what you see. i have remained silent on many things, thus when asked what the matter is, i have no idea where to start because the story goes back, the strings stretch far. what is there to tell, where do i begin. so i just become quiet, angry at people not knowing, angry at myself for not speaking up. resulting in a damaged individual, so young, yet so old. 

there is only one thing that is real : truth. currently i am in neverland, avoiding it, preferring to deal with the pirates alone, the heroine who stays preserved in her own sick sad little world. maybe this is why i cant sleep at night.

current mood: dealing with the pirates alone

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Saturday, October 14th, 2006
7:46 am - if this is it
death is something that has been a constant fascination. 

its not an obsession really, more like an interest on how everythin will go down when the time comes. do i go down ridiculously, tragically, thrillingly or worse, unnoticed. there are instances where im in a place and i think to myself--- of all the places there is no way i would want to be found dead here.
there are so many stupid ways to die. 

death from crossing the street. tripping and fallin into a something sharp. smashing your car into a wall. death on collision with a drunken driver. death cause you swerved. death from a jeepney. death from a truck. electricution. death over a cliff. death from a nail infection. death  from peanuts ( for those with fatal food allergies). death on impact to the head from a golf ball. being accidentally shot. death over a cellphone. death by a suicide attempt of another.

there are instances when you trade in life in exchange for something. the time i was in bambang i thought to mysef, if i die here, there is no way i want to be found dead in bambang. or then again, i probably wouldn't be found at all. crossing a tiny side street in katipunan going to a drinking session. walking along anonas for thrift stores. walking to a jollibee. so many occassions i dont want to end up dead in. its annoying to think that you've lived so long and gone through so much, all to end for a blimp. a tiny mistake you may not even have committed. death because someone else was careless. because someone else had disregarded a traffic light. because someone didnt take into consideration the consequences of their actions. 

i dont want to die a stupid death. its one thing living in misery, its another dying from the misery of a complete stranger. some people are so careless, or even just plain dumb. it pays to be responsible. 

it really annoys me that some people could stab, shoot or beat someone to death for a cellphone, a wallet or a bag. its just dumb. these people who commit heinous crimes dont think through the consequences. it is not only an offense to the victim, but to the victims family... everyone is born of someone, is a friend of someone, and with regards to the monetary cycle, is a benefactor of someone else. criminals complain of money and how the system is unfair, but commiting such crimes is unfair too. to take away a strangers life for a temporary fix of something is the dumbest way to die. 

what is justice. 

in this country, if you kill someone on acount of self-defense, do you walk free.

current mood: but i didnt shoot no deputy

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
12:11 am - requiem for a dream
i feel like dying again.

this is the cycle that never ends. i wonder if other people get this way too. sometimes i just wish i were dead. 

i saw this indie flick, "requiem for a dream", and it was amazing. addiction varies, but addiction is still addiction. it ruins your life, and will eventually kill you. anything in excess does. i dont have it in me to become a drug addict. well maybe il eventually become the type addicted to sleeping pills, thanks to the insomniac in me. then again, i over-think things most of the time.

dear god i want to die. i hate being here. i hate living this way. there will always be something that stops me. i will never have it easy. and i would totally understand if this was a seldom fact of life, but no, its daily.. the daily stuggle. i wonder if psychiatrists can help but then again, i already know the answer to that inquiry. no i wont be allowed. i am tired of living. 

if the after life was a life of endless dreaming... intriguing. really.

current mood: crushed

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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
12:02 am - scar tissue
the shallow grave i have dug for myself.
rain water dripping, flooding it.
drowning in my own tears.
feet planted in the grave,
cant get out, in denial of letting go.
the little things that break my heart.
i am fragile, i am fragile.
broken, but breaking still.
the glass is in pieces. 
this much is for keeps.
you can mend it, but the crack is still there.
the beautiful hand i cant let go.
the beautiful eyes that linger in my dream.
this is the scar tissue i have allowed myself to keep.
letting go isnt as hard as pretending not to know.

i have lost myself in this pain.
lost myself in the grave i have dug. 
here is the heartache i now bear.
the ragdoll has lost her heart,
but the ragboy isnt there. 

current mood: are you ready to run away

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Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
11:27 pm - over my head
dear me. i have managed another failure in life. 

there is no way this accounting exam is near passing. i am over my head.

not to mention the fact that i am so bitter with my own life thanks to all those stupid telenovelas im pollutin my mind with. DVDs arent that great anyway, they make it easier for you to understand the story lines, thus making it quicker to be discontent with your own life. now i totally get what they say when you want to be loved like that in the movies.

yes, i am now a bitter non-accountant.

i need to get over this phase. it never ends. 

these past few days iv been thinkin a lot about the future.  what hav i got planned. what am i going to do after college. what dreams can i actualize. but im stuck. its just that.. i cant grasp it, im just sooo young. its strange, im not even 20 yet and i have to work for a living. its just surreal. 

i was able to decide on two things tho. 1-il get a place of my own. 2-il get a car. unfortunately i dont have the 
pre-requisite of moolah so i have no idea how im going to get these two done. iv never even earned a pay "check". Ignorant i knw, but its really sad, i have no idea how to cash a check either. hai. i need a job. 

am so down. im not the most studious person, but am not the type who accepts failure. i cant take it. whats sadder is that i actually put time and effort into accounting. it may sound dumb, but the weird thing is i understand the concepts per chapter. and i actually enjoy answering the work book, but the exams just never APPEAR SIMILAR to the workbook they let us answer. i hate it. as if i have nothing else to complain about in life. 

am an idiot. 

after the exam, i just wanted to sit and sit and sit. i got my bag, then didnt even bother to put the calculator, jacket or pens inside. i just wanted to get out. once out, i just kneeled down, pretending to fix my bag a bit.. but damn, i didnt want to stand up anymore. i just wanted to sink into the floor an not move. the times when you just want to sit and smoke your lungs out. i just wanted to sit still for a bit and let it sink in that im going to fail. its strange being the dumbest or should i say, most educationally disappointing, in the family. i just cant take any more fucking crap for my studies. i just dont. i hate this feeling.

current mood: save me from my own ways

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Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
10:24 pm - you cant be me im a rockstar

lalalalala i dont give a shit na what 'guysss' say. iv had enuf.

 

me no want. me no care. me no give a damn.

ooooh penny for a thought. if u could get rid of all ur emotions would you> mayb being a stoic isnt all that bad. youd be stuck in ur thoughts. then again, i guess i cant really say because iv been raised with emotions so i dont really have the option.

a better deal. the movie eternal sunshine of a spotless mind gave you the option to erase people. would you? i think i would. sometimes you want to get rid of all those thoughts that cross ur  mind that make u cringe. but would i be able to learn from my mistakes if i cant rmbr them?

oh what a life. i wish some people would just disappear.



current mood: get out of my life!!

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Thursday, August 24th, 2006
8:01 pm - soul burn out
i badly badly badly need to burn oh

im caught in between again. in between plans of other people, and as usual my plans are left to shrivel and die. im sorry but my life appears to  be one of truly little importance. i actally believe if my parents could play god, i would actually be sent back to never neverland. 

its so weird to say that my life is always happier before i talk to my parents. things just never seem to go well.

I remeber this show on Oprah, about how some kids just intuitively knew they were adopted. i was so gripped that somehow maybe the feeling of odd man (or girl) out made sense. most kids say with such passion that their parents dont get them. iv been through that stage of teenage angst, rebellion... im now at the phase where id rather be indifferent than release all this passion and let it go to waste. 

ive gotten over hoping things will change. it gets tiring writing complaints about the same thing over and over again. id rather not feel anything at all. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.

 my parents dont believe in me. its sad really, i tell them of all these dreams i have but after baring my soul, i always end up sorry i mentioned anything at all.  iv learnt to continue dreaming outside of the house. i remember how i used to beg my parents to let me see a psychiatrist to understand why i was so angry and why i felt so different from my immediate family. i thought that maybe if someone could help me explain to them, some professional who they would take seriously,  maybe things would get better. ---those arguments ended with me being some no sense teenager. no they didnt take me seriously. but iv adapted, wearing a mask when times get tough. i wear it everytime i say something and they give me this pained look. i dont give them the satisfaction of hurting  me anymore. 

i dont bother tellin my friends anymore. whats the point. they cant do anything. i wonder if all this repressing will haunt me in the future. then again, it could be seeping into my music preferences. i do believe iv turned emo. maybe this is also why i dont want to have my own kids. 

can somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in movies. you know what i mean

if only i had the moolah to support myself. god cant i rely on anyone anymore. 

according to my prognosis, i have underlysing trust issues, that my be a result of my own trust issues with my familial icons.

current mood: in my head i make a picture

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Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
8:51 pm
here's my bright idea, il just disappear. 

im so fucking tired. tired of everything. nothing new. then again, im probably one of  the most ungrateful people on earth. the irony of being hard to please but easily satisfied. how can i explain. then again, im tired of explaining as well. explaining, making it easier on people when im just giving myself a hard time.

am so tired of disappointment. the reason why stoics prefer not to feel anything at all is to evade disappointing themselves, well if i met a stoic, id be their image of failure. im so naive--- i trust, i hope, and altho i may seem like a rock at times, even rocks break down.

i dont know what i want. i do know wat i think i want, but am never sure. sad, i am in such a sad state. uncertainity isnt becoming of me. i hate not knowing what to do.

take for example the weekend. i spent saturday lazing around the house, transferring from bed to bed, then to the couch.. only getting up to eat or go to tha loo. i hate feeling so useless, im a bum, but i prefer to be one out of choice, as  to one who had no other option than to bum around.  

hayayayayayyy

i hate snoopy people!

current mood: i hate snoopy peeps!

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Sunday, August 20th, 2006
11:44 am - death art thou
these days i want to die. 

im so so so tired. accounting. thesis. not to mention the exams in between. i want to break free

another factor, these days i feel so empty. empty because i havent anything to give anymore. i feel as if there is nothing left to offer of me. is there anything to look forward to tomorrow? 

iv got the mean reds hanging over me. its as if im on edge, even though im drained of all energy and eagerness. im anxious but am not exactly sure why. something is coming, and it scares me.

this is the plea of a  loner to the world. death me. because there is no point in being. death me because im afraid.

current mood: death me

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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
11:57 pm - is anyone out there?
it's hard to conceptualize how there could be a GOD existing. We dont see, we dont hear, we basically just think that there is one. Then again, its even harder to deny the existence of one all mighty being who has the answer to all things.

it is in our quest for knowledge and truth that we submit ourselves to the belief that there is a GOD out there who can answer all our desires and provide answers to even the most trivial of things. It may seem crazy to say it, but somehow i can feel that there is someone out there that exists, someone to search for. That if GOD was merely a feeling, the gut feeling of GODs existence could influence my philosophy of life. I do not wish to see my life as a pre-destinated affair, I see it rather as  a road to my own philosophy, a life where i can enjoy even the most mundane things like drinking water, a life where i can cry over the bumps on the road and make a difference.

What most religion classes fail to tackle is the reality that this life is one of possibility, which can make or break the knowledge they wish to instill. 

i love the late 80's-90's movies. the breakfast club, st.elmo's fire, for keeps. somehow they seem more realistic than the movies these days. its odd how i can relate to the emotions of the characters then but have a hard time identifying myself with most movie characters of today. 

maybe il do a short film.

current mood: welcome to your life

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Monday, July 31st, 2006
10:18 pm - accountin for dummies

i am going to hell because of accounting.

it makes me curse. it makes me rude. it makes me snap at people around me. it makes me wrath, i want to kill my teacher. it makes me green with envy at any of my 'neighbor' classmates/subject mates who are proficient in it. it makes me a glutton while studying. it reminds me of myself as a sloth, and so i desire to become one rather than take the damn subject. i am ever reminded of my pride everytime i go to the front of the class and solve problems on the board, because the minute i stand up something EMBARRASSIN always HAS TO HAPPEN. A L W A Y S.  

there is no such thing as ACCOUNTING FOR DUMMIES. i am going to fail the subject. whats even more painful is that i study. damn it, i study. am a dummy who studies. i read and take  my chances at answering the workbook but to no avail. come exam, quizzes, forget it. i have no idea why i have such darn luck when it comes to math. i frickn study and understand the concepts but come whatever test, i frickn FAIL. one of the biggest frustrations of my life. why why why why why. why! am so angry, and frustrated. i want to rip up the exams and questionnaires. RIP THEM UP AND SHOUT I AM SO FUCKN TIRED OF THIS SHIT. i am a dummy. i have no idea why i put myself through this. to think i had an option. why. why. why. i want to whine, but to no avail.

NIGHTMARE. i dreamt of receiving the results of the last exam and i was the lowest of the entire batch! mind you, i cried so hard in my dream, i woke up cryin! accounting is horrid. horrid. horrid. thus i knw, deep in my gut, pre-results, i failed. i know it. i fuckn know it.

my heart is so heavy. i dont love accountin, but i study so hard and i totally flunk out.



current mood: do you knoww ooooh

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Friday, July 28th, 2006
11:09 pm - there is no me and you

there is no emotion to fuel the words i want to bear.
empty. drained. at a loss for poetic direction, i feel nothing. i feel for no one.
i have transformed into the self iv always known i was.
i am the statue u can look at, with glass eyes staring back, but they are empty,
they hold no compassion, they hold no recognition.
i have frozen my heart. i loathe but i do not loathe anyone. i love but do not love anybody.
sad becuase there is no sadness brought upon me.
i hate because some think i am theirs to have.
they are crazy. i am looking for a soul mate. not a companion.
there is no one that stands out, i will probably die alone.
to many hims i dont like, to many hims i wont have.
am i cruel. or am i just brutally honest.
i dont backstab. i dont make rumors. i dont tell unnecessary lies.
i dont hate guys. i hate boys.
i dont hate affection. i hate guys who think they can just touch me.
i hate touchy-feely guys who just need to touch. i am not theirs to hold.
so much anger because i am unable to speak out.
because i am holding it in.
because when i am angry i break hearts, i break people.
because when i speak out, i do not stop until i can see pain reflect in their eyes.
much hate, no love, i die every day.



current mood: go away!

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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
8:34 pm - you'll never set foot in my room again

i never conquered when u came. days when i still felt alive. i couldn't wait till i got home.. to pass the time in my room alone. 
                                                                                    but no more. no more

i needed to do it. its not a thing of regret or a spur of the moment open window. it needed to happen. i needed to see it for myself. i needed to break into a million pieces to know i was broken. its hard to fix something you're in denial of.. until it breaks down. and remains broken. gawd knows i wanted to bawl. slam my hand on the table. drop whatever i was holding and just sit. sit and think things through. sit and just be engulfed in thought. regret maybe. loneliness for sure. all these thoughts in my head. i wanted to break something. its unfair that im the only one shattered. i wanted to drop a bottle. drop an ash tray. just drop something to reassure myself that other things could get broken too. i was angry. angry at the oblivious, but in the end just plain angry at myself for refusing to talk about things. i just wanted to kneel down and just sit for hours and hours thinking things through. 

someone played her cards right. someone got what he was looking for. someone shuffled the cards, too late, too early. 
someone's card is under the deck. 

i cant get to you. you. you. but now. i dont want to.

that is why i had to endure it all. to see everything for what it was so that i could feel. feel shattered feel like something wasn't right. just to feel and be affected. all the information seeping in. now. now i can move on. 

it wakes me up. 

this is the end of the chapter.



current mood: the end of the chapter

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Friday, May 26th, 2006
11:12 pm - so you still want to live forever

                                                                                        what would you trade for eternity
                                                        sunny days. love. pain. change. choices. hope. faith
                                                          
how much is the chance of living forever worth.
 

hai. insomniac mode. mah heads full. full of too many things i didnt want to bring up. didnt want to talk about. didnt feel like sayin.
                                                                       like a bubble, im beside myself, full of things unsaid.

last week i was in leyte. after a few rounds of karaoke, me and mah good ol homies (chik, nik, kyko nd dawn) went to checkout the new bar/dance club they had there. it was pretty suprising. i mean it wasnt really that much of a dance club at first. the initial bands playin werent really that interesting.. thank god they switched to DJ mode. at first they played club hiphop which was fine.. by 2 they played house and it was smooth sailin by then.. it was fun. just there, dancing til dawn and not caring anymore. who the heck do i know from leyte. haha its not like im gonna bump into someone. so me and mah homies danced and danced and danced. props tho to their lighting system. impressive actually for a club in leyte. the dj was pretty cool too, we were dying for some chillout house tunes to bring the energy level up and he delivered=) that was a fun and funny experience. fun because there are nights where good times flow and that was one of those nights. funny because of how club-y it was. there will always be those guys who want to bump and grind. who go up to you and just introduce themselves on the dance floor. it got a little uncomfortable because one of the guys we met earlier at dinner got a little too close for comfort but thank god mah friends were there haha the funniest tho was when nik was dancing wit  mr.touchy-feely guy and mouthin to me "help". ahahahahahahahaha that was funny. luckily i was able to pull her out and get everyone dancin in this sort of circle.. haha that guy creeped me out from the start, even while we were all just sittin down. i think the weirdest part tho was when we were headed back to the resort and this guy ( friend of the guy we met at dinner) who had seemed to shy to dance, seeing as he would hang wit us wit a beer in hand and we'd invite him to dance, all of a sudden followed outside, hollered my name and just took my hand. and invited me to come back again the next night. yes, i think that was the strangest moment of the night. i said we'd try and then he was like sige na.. so then i promised id try and told him we had to go naaa.. i hurried to the car, just in time before mr.too-close-for-comfort came out. hai. thank god we made a perfect exit time. altho not early enough for a gay guy to ask for kyko's digits. hahahahahahaha fagmagnet 

*we all heart nik so much we watched a good 2 hours of freestyle and sam milby* egad

i think im waitn for mr.right. hahaha lame but i cant think of any good excuse why im single, seemingly happy, at times unhappy. most often times listless. its just that i dont see the point anymore of making time for guys that dont pull your interest. i dont want an in-between guy at the moment. then again i could have a chemical imbalance in mah head causing me to think and feel this way. too depressed to go on 

hai if mark was tellin the truth, ayayayayay couldve met mr.pedicab but ayayayayayay twas sick and feelin so shitty. wat good would i be in an inuman if i wasnt gna drinkkk =( 

next time, next time




current mood: i never conquered when it came

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